Another Sunset...and a trip to Wal-Mart.

My sons (all three of ‘em) and I went over to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon from 4 till about 6:30 PM. The main reason being that Galen ended up losing most of his socks, either that, or his brother has them. So I bought him six pairs last night as well as a breathable fabric shirt that he can wear for gym. I’m sure that he shouldn’t have any more problems with regards to “missing socks” again for the rest of the school year.

On the way there, my sons and I saw yet another gorgeous sunset. Once again, I think it was either Cousin Laci or their Grandpa that was saying “Hey, you four, I’m still here.” I dunno, I’m always seeing something like that whenever I step out and it’s so comforting.



Well, anyways, we picked up what we needed. I got the kids something at McDonald’s and I got a BK Original Chicken Classic Burger at Burger King on the way back home. We got home and ate. As usual, the kids were hyper and they wanted to drive poor Dad up the wall so they got told to “CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!!!!” Well, that appears to be par for the course.

We Are Who We Are By The Choices We Make In Life...

There are so many people out there who whine and complain about the fact that “life screwed them over” or “life wasn’t fair” or “other people screwed them out of what they wanted”. I know. I used to be one of them. If you are complaining about someone and how they behave, my question to you now is: “If you are so dead-set against this person then why are you still associating with them? It is your choice to have this relationship (whether it be as a friendship or as a lover) with this person.” It is YOUR choice to have a better life.

I’ve come to one harsh realization. “We are who we are because of the choices we make in life, not by circumstances beyond our control. We are where we are because of those same choices.”

You may say “Well…what if it was a weather phenomenon that destroyed our home and now we’re homeless.” The same holds true. You may not be able to control the tornado or hurricane that destroyed your house, but what are you going to do with your lives since the tornado or hurricane spared that? Everything beyond the storm is your own choice in life.

Life does not play favorites. It plays with a level playing field. What influences the results is the caliber of player you are. Are you a star or are you going to permanently play in the minor leagues. The true stars in life are the ones who take what skills are given them and go with what they have. They don’t complain; they just do.

I have been given a limited set of skills; (a talent for photography and the ability to self-teach myself that skill; (the limiters) a case of dyslexia (undiagnosed until adulthood) and dyscalculia). But the potential for making a successful life are built into those limited set of skills. I have two choices: I can sit there and whine that I need better skills, that the limitations in my life prevent me from getting the diploma that I need; that life threw me a haymaker and didn’t give me the right tools for the life I wanted or I can make use of those skills that were given to me, develop them to their fullest extent and then use them to make a life for myself. The latter is what I am choosing to do.

In life you are given opportunities; they may be easy to see or they may be disguised. It is your choice to seek them out and use those opportunities. If you choose not to seek out those opportunities, then you are where you are becase of those choices you made.

They say in physics: that in order for an object to be moved from its course, a force equal to or greater must be applied to that object in the direction in which it is supposed to change direction to. That is the same with human nature. Do you as someone who doesn’t complain spend time with someone who does complain? That’s akin to negotiating with a train which is bearing down on you. He/she is set in his tracks and nothing you say or do is going to help him. If you stay where you are, you will get run over. The only thing that will change his direction or stop his self-destructive momentum is going to be a wall or a life-changing event.

We are given a limited time to do what we were meant to do in life. We cannot be brought down by the complainers and whiners in life to their level. We just don’t have that time. If we want to achieve what we were meant to do, we have to make the best possible use of our time given to us. Acknowledge that they are there and tell them “I’m sorry you are in this state, but unfortunately there is nothing that I can say or do that will make your situation any better. Any change that you must do must come from you.” And then do what you have to do for yourself.

Make life work for you!

There are always signs...

After Dad passed away, it always seems as if there are signs that he's around. I see a sunrise in the morning when I take my kids to school or a simple clearing in the clouds on a cloudy day...just as if he was saying "hey, I'm still here watching over you."

I tended to be kind of a worrywart when I was growing up so this inner peace is kind of a new thing to me. And it's very rewarding. I'm not stressed about anything really.

I enjoy the days as they come, get what I need to get done and don't bother fretting about things that I no longer have any control over.

This sunrise on January 7, 2010 was one that I saw with my boys on their way to school. That day my heart was feeling rather heavy just thinking about "mortality" and how my dad's death had affected my life, when we all saw this beautiful sunrise while walking my kids to school. The whole sky lit up in cool purples and oranges as the sun started to peek over the horizon. These pictures don't do it justice.

This shot was on our way to my sons' school



This was coming home from dropping our kids off at school.

Well, lots to do over the next little while.

We evidently have another little one on the way. And as such, the baby's room needs to be tidied up so that we have enough room to throw another bed into the room. Right now the place is packed with books and containers so I have to spend at least 2-3 hours a day in there so that I can make sure it gets done. Not a problem. Hopefully I should be able to get that done by the end of the week. Then comes the parent's bedroom.

In between that and trying to make the kids clean up their room, I need to start working on a number of other things. As soon as this entire house is clean, I have enough time to start working on the formulation of a workable business plan for the photography business.

I love being able to make certain things get done and that way it starts freeing up my time rather than driving me nuts trying to every so often do a major landslide cleanup. ~evil grin~ I can actually put my urchins to work too. They got complaint after complaint, but well, what can ya do? I don't particularly care if they don't like it because that's what needs to get done. Daddy does the lion's share of the work, so it's only right that they put their fair share too.

I No Longer Have Any Time For Whiners In My Life.

I don't know whether it's the "numbness" or the acceptance of the loss of my father, but I just have no time for people that whine, complain and moan about the little problems in life - "missing a promotion at work, having to work late, or complaining about how tough their life is in general." It seems the only sympathy I have left is for those who have lost someone (to death). Everything else is surmountable with a bit of effort.

I no longer want to be around negative people. I would rather spend my time comforting those who TRULY hurt; those who have lost people close to them. I want to spend my time pursuing my hobbies and my work because I have a goal to work towards. In other words I have no more time for "time-wasters". Mainly I find that every moment of our lives is precious and wasting time complaining about life's small problems in general is not productive.

I truly feel for those who have lost someone because that is not something that you can "get over". You will always have that missing spot in your heart. "Time heals all" is too trite of a phrase. Time doesn't heal; it just makes the pain more distant, but like a boomerang it will return; on special days that the two of you spent together, on their birthdays, on their anniversary of their death, on the holidays. It never, ever completely goes away.

For me, personally, I find that I have grieved for my father, and I still grieve for him, but for me, my best gift to him, would be to live my life well...to live my life to the best that I can live it. That is what I want to do to honor his legacy and in order to do that, I cannot have any negative people in my life; I cannot let life's "little problems" get to me. And I will NOT let them get to me.

To the person who lost the promotion, I'd be saying "I understand that you're distraught, but are you absolutely certain that you did everything that you could to secure that promotion?" Evidently there was something that was missing or he would have received it. If he did do all that he could have, maybe it was not the right time for it. Maybe it was meant for him/her to secure other avenues. It is normal to be disappointed. It is not constructive to whine about it endlessly. Life is unfair; unfortunately, those are the cards that are dealt us. To tell you the truth, I'm not the richest person in the world. Actually, I would say that I'm probably down there in the "gutter" right now. I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head, my health could be better, but it's adequate for what I need to do. I have food on the table. I have a landlord who understands the financial situation we're in (where my wife is getting few hours), but we always have enough money to get the rent paid and food on the table. It's a matter of making the proper choices (and the proper choices may not be popular, but that's what keeps us afloat financially - sometimes it means the choice between eating at home or out. Going out to a movie or staying at home and watching the DVDs we already have watched 5 or 6 times already). Everyone has choices. The results in life are as a result of the choices YOU make. And that's a harsh assessment but true. Even when you feel that someone has done something bad to you; you have the choice of continuing to associate with the person or terminating the relationship. It's whether you do something about the situation that allows you to better your situation. And that's what I've dedicated the rest of my life to...is pursuing my goals, and making sure that I have a legacy of persistence for my own children, rather than seeing their dad curled up on the floor whining about "how tough my life is". If I show my children the same thing that my father showed me (in not giving up) they learn a far better lesson in life than any schooling ever will teach them.

The point that I am making with this post is that I have found that I was not able to move forward in life until I got past the "whining" stage. And that is where a lot of people are stuck in. The whiners will seek to drag you down with them. Especially the ones who seem to whine about every monkey-wrench that life throws at them (and I was a prime example of that... Everything I could whine about, I would...like not being able to have enough money to get this business started the way I wanted to. Or complaining about how my back (which I injured in a severe fall down the stairs) was hampering my day ~ now I shut up and bear the pain (take two extra-strength Tylenol) and just keep moving or complaining that my wife doesn't make enough...etc etc etc...ad infinitum, ad nauseum maxima) . My father's death was enlightening and a harsh wakeup call. We don't have time to waste on those who would complain about everything under the sun. Our lives need to be lived for ourselves. You determine alone how far you go in life. As I said, I may not be where I want to be in life, but if I sit and complain about it, I'm not moving forward.

When you're faced with the big problems, such as the loss of someone who is close to you, you realize that the small problems can be solved by working harder. Death is irreversible; all other things pale in comparison.

It's been 1 full month since my father passed away. It's not that I'm callous about my loss. It's not that i'm unfeeling towards the loss of my father. My father himself, would have said, "Grieve for me for a little bit, but move on. I am gone. You still have your life to live." That's why I am moving on with my life. And dedicating the rest of my life in memory of his. He never gave up, he lost his own father at the age of 6, yet he worked hard all his life...and never once complained about how tough his life was. I certainly will miss him. There are days that I really do miss his strength. But I have my own inner strength that he unlocked for me and that means I get my life in gear instead of sitting around bemoaning my fate. That means I pick myself off the ground and work towards building this photography business into a self-supporting business. And that's why I say that I have no time for people who whine about trivial things. There are some things that you can never get over like the loss of your loved ones and in that regards, all other trivial problems pale.


Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. ~ Carl Jung

Everything comes gradually and at its appointed hour. ~ Ovid

Memories, Cherished Memories

It's the little things that you remember. We got a sunny day today for the first time practically this year. It’s nice to see the sun up. The sunny days were something that my father and I used to love. When he and I were gardening, Dad and I never really enjoyed gardening in the rain. The sunny days were always the best, though it was hot. Dad would stop in at a 7-Eleven store and buy two of the largest Big Gulps that we could buy, load it up with ice and Pepsi and we’d end up drinking those things during the course of the day. Gardening was always better on sunny days being hydrated and caffeinated. Either that or we'd end up buying 2 2L apiece and down those during the course of the day. We'd always end up tired, hungry, and satisfied with the job that we did that day. The customers were satisfied with the work put in and we were happy.

One of my friends mentioned that he never remembered any time when my dad was NOT working on something during the course of the day. Whether it was trying to improve the house that we had built or doing some puttering around in the garden, he was always busy. Even as a kid, I had a hard enough time trying to keep up with his energy level.

Those are the little things I remember. Those memories of those days are ones I'll cherish.


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My father went December 16, 2009. It's been a full month since his passing. It's been a month of being numb, yet I'm not crying. I know that he is not in pain, that he would have wanted me to go on with life. So I put my energies into developing my business, being there for my wife and children, and just doing things when I feel I have the energy to do so.

I do my grieving on the inside...and on the boards and in quiet reflection of my father's life.

However I miss his smile, his love for his grandchildren...and the way his face used to light up when he saw his youngest grandson.

I miss the special little ways that he always let me know that he loved me. He always would slip a little money in my hand saying "Don't tell Mom." It was his special little way of letting me know he was there for me. I cherished his being there...not the money. As I said in my epitaph for my father, he was not a demonstrative man. He never really said "I love you." but making sure that we always had enough money was his way of silently saying "I love you, son." I still remember the first time he did that to my wife. She wasn't expecting a $50.00 to appear in her hand like that and she was startled as hell. It was his way of telling her, how much he loved her too.

Heirarchy of Pain/Loss, True Friends versus So-Called Friends...etc...

Falling Apart

By Eloise Cole

I seem to be falling apart.
My attention span can be measured in seconds.
My patience in minutes.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly.
The morning toast burns daily.
I forget to sign the checks.
Half of everything in the house is misplaced.
Feelings of anxiety and restlessness are my constant companion.
Rainy days seem extra dreary.
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant.
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel half-crazy.
I am normal I am told.
I am a newly grieving person.

I try to be strong but there are good days and there are bad days. Some times I’m feeling confused and wondering where my mind has gone to. I try to keep a strong façade, and try to live my life as an example to my children on how to behave in a time of grief, but the memories that I have of my life with my father are the hardest to come to grips with but, ironically, are also the most comforting.

I have a network of good friends; the ones who have comforted me in my time of loss. A lot of those friends have been ones that I haven’t known well during my time in school or in life (some of these friends have come into my life just recently (on the internet)) and yet, there are people who have “bailed” in an attempt to avoid talking about the subject of loss. Some people, who have professed to be my “close” friends, have bailed out because maybe they’re uncomfortable with the topic or whatever; I have no idea. The topic of friends is a touchy one, because sometimes you find out who your true friends really are and sometimes they aren’t the friends you’ve hung out in high-school with. Some of them are the friends in high-school whom you only had a passing acquaintance with. I’ve had two of them that have become really “true friends” who were always there to comfort me with a well-placed condolence or just a hug. I may not have appreciated them in high-school, but I certainly do love and appreciate them now.

It is important to know that you have a strong support group in a time of loss. Certainly, I’m trying to be understanding to my long-time friends who have bailed on me in my grief, but sometimes there is a layer of hurt and anger that they haven’t had the courtesy to return my call or e-mails. Certainly, everyone has loss and no one person’s loss can be “greater” than someone else’s. It’s all a matter of perception. But there is always the desire to make things “personal” because losing someone close to you is personal. And that’s where things get blown all out of proportion. Maybe my friend is “uncomfortable with the topic of loss and death” and chooses to run away and avoid it by avoiding me. But it does hurt that someone that you consider a close friend decides to bail on you. And those who are uncomfortable with the idea of talking about death and comforting someone who has lost someone close to them, should really put aside their comfort level and do what they can to comfort their friend. It could really mean the salvaging of a friendship instead of the person realizing that their “close” friend really wasn’t that close to begin with.

The other thing that really ticks me off is the perceived “hierarchy of pain/loss” – the perception of “my loss is greater than your loss” no matter what the loss is. Someone in my extended family – my wife’s distant relations (even our distant relations are close – that’s just the way my family is…) have lost a daughter to a spousal murder which was splashed all over the news. Even though we didn’t know we were related at the time, it was a kick in the teeth to find out that we lost a relative we didn’t even knew we had in such a tragic incident. My wife uncovering her relations has brought us in touch with that side of the family and we’ve reached out to them and they’ve embraced us in return. So their loss will always be with us…in our grieving with them. Does that loss rate more than the loss of my father? No. The relations who so tragically lost their daughter/cousin were one of the first to grieve along side with us when I lost my father. Did they know my father…NO. Why did they grieve if they didn’t know my father? Because they consider us family and any loss that impacts their extended family is a mutual loss. Yet strangers think that just because those relations(who lost their daughter by murder) are distant relations, they aren’t entitled to grieve such my loss of my father. Is it just because we’re too distant on the family tree? Love and family relations don’t take into account the “so-called propriety” of the distance between two branches of a family tree; they take into account the feelings and the perceived closeness between individuals. My cousin (my wife’s second cousin, once removed), a 1st cousin once removed of the murder victim and a cousin of the victim’s mother calls me his “brother…from a different mother”. He was in the courtroom at the trial of the accused (the murder victim’s husband). I won’t divulge the name of the victim, as this may open up a whole mudslinging match of whose loss is greater and whether we have a right to grieve the loss of that victim. My cousins (both the murder victim’s mother and her cousin) say I have the right to do so…and that’s good enough. No one’s personal loss is greater than anyone else’s personal loss.

I guess I’m going through a difficult stage where I’m angry at the social mores that govern the so-called behavior of “grief”. There is NO proper way to grieve. There is no rhyme or reason to the dance of emotional pain. When you lose someone close to you, you lose all perspective and the verse in Eloise Cole’s poem sums it all up succinctly.

Rainy days seem extra dreary.
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant.

Other people whining about “how tough their life is” because they missed out on something or whining about “insignificant crap” like whether they can pay their bills on time or about how their work sucks… just grates on my nerves at this time. I feel like growling “Grow a pair and quit belly-aching. Shut up and get moving…life’s not going to stop till you get back on the treadmill.” The only people whom I can relate to are the people who have lost someone…and are still openly grieving whether privately or on forum. They are the people I have sympathy for…and they are the ones who I will give a sympathetic shoulder to. What I have found is that everything else pales in comparison to a “personal loss of someone you love”. Life’s problems don’t mean a hill of beans to me now.

Most people have lost time to personal losses like mine. My dad, it seems, gave me his personal strength or the key to unlock my own personal strength. He never gave up and that’s what I intend to do with my life…is to keep fighting…to keep striving for more…and that’s the way I can honor his legacy.

Maybe one of these days, I can look back on my time with my father without tearing up. Maybe one of these days I’ll look at a rainy day or snowy day without thinking of how cold my dad is underground (even though his spirit is gone…and all that’s left is a cold cadaver). Maybe one of these days I’ll look at a sunny day and smile because my dad loved sunny days. Maybe one of these days, I’ll stop crying inside. But right now…I’ll miss my dad. I’ll miss him every single day of the rest of my life.

I Miss My Father.

I’ve often wondered when grief would show up with regards to my father’s death. However it’s not the “Please, God, I’ll do anything if only you’d bring him back.” It’s the doing something with my own children and then thinking “I remember doing this with my own dad…” and then realizing that you can never, ever go back to those times that you had with him; that you can never speak to your father ever again because he’s no longer there to talk to. That’s when the sadness comes out. I know that there’ll always be times like this. But right now when the pain is raw like this, that’s when it hurts the most. I miss him a lot.

Then I realize how strong he must have been to live his life the way he did especially when he lost his own father at a young age. How many times he must have thought "I wish I could tell my own father this..." How many times oould he have collapsed in grief in not being able to do things with his own father or being able to show his father that he had become a father in his own right. Yet, he stood strong, lived his life and proved himself to be a strong, loving father, over and over again.

At least I've gotten that chance to show my own father that I've become a father. My father had the chance to become a grandfather and to see his own grandchildren. And for that opportunity I'm truly grateful. From here on in, it is my own path that has to be walked. Yet I do miss my father.